A Map

A Map

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Get Rich or Cry Tryin'

I've decided to swallow my pride and shit out the most incredibly convoluted, god-awful, nonsensical thing imaginable in order to get noticed by a Big Publishing House.

Since everything is Young Adult oriented anymore and you can't get anyone to listen to you unless you've got one of these up your sleeves, here is my sci-fi/fantasy dystopian YA series idea.

The main character is Chastity Conestoga Jones, or CC to her friends. She's a tween vampire romantic classical music composer with HIV, because she's also a time traveler, and she went back in time and drank Mozart's blood, and he had HIV, right? They totally had that back then, but they just didn't know what to call it. When she drank his blood, she totally got all of his compositional genius, but also his HIV because consequences.

Then CC travels to 1920s jazz-age Berlin and becomes a demon hunter with Gustav Mahler and Jim Morrison, who are her lovers. They chase down Satan and Jeffrey Dahmer, so this part of the series is super-duper dark, right? Plus: also demon Nazis and Hitler is a zombie.

Then after preventing World War 2, CC gets sucked into the Matrix created by Alan Turing and Albert Einstein (because he's a time traveling Ancient God). She is ejected in the year 2029 in new York City, where she reinvents the rock opera with her asexual lesbo girlfriend Patricia Townshend-Moon, who was cloned from the DNA of Keith Moon and Pete Townshend of the Who. They also hunt werewolf vampire zombies and gay ISIS terrorists and ride around in a 1975 Ford Econoline shaggin' wagon with orange shag carpeting and a wicked cross-time-stream 8-track juke box tape deck.

The van is driven by a guy who is really just Doctor Who, but we can't call him that because lawsuits. So he's just called Doc Smith and he's a temporal time mechanic, but instead of a sonic screw driver, he has a magic wand in the shape of one of those tire pressure gauge things, because he's also a bitchin' gender fluid bisexual Harry Potter-like wizard on the run from a violent past. He's also really good at baking vegan, gluten- and sugar-free doughnuts that are always magically delicious.

The first book of the series is called CHASTITY JONES AND THE DEADLY DEMONS OF DEATH and in  it, Chastity is shot by Osama bin Laden, who is a vampire chess master. She also has to rescue Miley Cyrus from Jack the Ripper, who is a time-traveling  surgeon/composer, but he is really a demon and secretly, he is CC's real dad. CC is super bummed to find this out, but it's okay because her mom is a cross-dressing trans David Bowie from another reality who had a sex change and became Divinity Bowie.

I'm thinking nineteen, maybe 119 books in all. I'm gonna be rich!